"Why Are You Kicking Me?"
The honesty and vulnerability that Yonie Le Xavier brought to the table when he described the incident of being kicked by a Burmese monk and then processing that experience was really courageous. This was not an easy topic to engage in, and that single moment had so many complexities embedded within. But I hope our talk proved thought-provoking for listeners in examining the intersection of Dhamma and Race.
“I don’t want to leave anything negative because again, I am the first black guy who came in there. I do not want to be their first impression. I do not want it to be, oh the next time they see some other guy, this is what they expect. So I actually gave some dana saying ‘thank you for what you’ve done for me.’ I bowed, and I paid my respects to the Sayadaw.”
“Okay, so basically every morning at six in the morning, I would get up, they will have breakfast. And there's these circular tables on the floor where the food comes. So I sat by the door which are where the younger monks sit and as you got closer to the wall, the older and the more senior monks sit. So I knew right then and there I am not worthy of being near the senior monks, so I stayed back by the door... From far away I would smile at the people that were in my floor, and the monks who were in my floor, they would smile back.... So basically, we had breakfast and I would go upstairs and meditate by myself all day, I really didn't have to leave the monastery because I just came at that place to meditate a couple of times before I went to other parts of the country.
So day four comes and there's a switch between the senior monks, there's a lot of faces that I didn't recognize from the first couple of days, but they're there. They're sitting around, and I'm sitting and I'm about to be served on the floor and my face is facing the wall. This [monk] walks in, stops, looks at me and kicks me on the shoulder. And it's just it was a complete shock at first, because there was nobody there to tell me what's going on. I was shocked on the first kick.... and then the second time I'm sitting on the floor, he kicked me on my behind, and I just couldn't believe it. 'Why are you kicking me? Why are you doing this?' And there's no English so there's this tension, I can feel it. And I've learned through my sits in my meditations try to get back to observing sensations and I can feel the anger rising.... So I'm a bit agitated so I go back to my room. I try to sit for 15-20 minutes.
I didn't say anything negative. I don't want to leave anything negative because again, I am the first black guy who came in there. I do not want to be their first impression. I do not want it to be, oh the next time they see some other guy, this is what they expect. So I actually gave some dana saying 'thank you for what you've done for me.' I bowed, and I paid my respects to the Sayadaw.
But I could tell you I've traveled in 40 plus countries. And I can tell you… the darker you are, there's a certain burden that comes with it. So I don't know how to recognize it at that moment, I don't know what to say about it. Because I do my best. And I pride myself in trying not to be a person that's a victim. You don't want to have that victim mentality…. So I'm doing intentionally my best not to play the victim card.
But there are times when you see this pattern and rhythm and some things you just like, 'what did I do in the past life?' I'm not even sure if I believe in it... I have a lot of great white friends that don't experience the same thing as I experience it. And because I've been using this [vipassana meditation] technique for a bit… 'is in my own karma? Am I'm the cause of this from others, even though I'm wishing them metta?'
It's just a huge jujitsu in my head that goes around. I'm being really open with you in my mind when I am dealing with these things, these things that I can't explain. It's a conundrum.”