A Rebel Heart in Exile
Moe is from Yangon. She is a researcher living in Thailand. She was interviewed on June 22, 2023.
“My feelings are uncertain about both myself and my country. There are other times when I wonder if I should go back and join the armed resistance or go ahead and study. How can I know if I’m betting on the right horse?! ”
"I was inside the country when the coup happened, working in Yangon. We didn't expect this to happen at all. I was preparing for an important meeting, but later on, there was no more internet. We were shocked to hear the news on TV. My office decided to close for a while. Day after day, we went to the streets, and I joined the strike movement.
After two months, my organization decided to stop its work, especially the research activities. So, my position was suspended, and I became jobless. I had to stay at home with my parents and two elder sisters. One was a CDM-er and the other lost her job due to the coup. We spent a lot of time together.
I started to feel depressed because I had nothing to do. I wondered what to do – if I should join the armed resistance. Some factors were still pulling us back; we weren’t brave enough. Months went by and I was still unsure. Many friends left and went to the jungle, but I thought I could also help in a different way: educating people. As the education system collapsed, we needed alternative platforms, and that's how I started getting involved in supporting the people and getting back to community work.
I moved to Chiang Mai over a year ago. Physically, I am safe, but I feel guilty that I can live an ordinary life. Before I left the country, some close friends and family members lost their lives; some of them during interrogations after being arrested by the military. I feel very guilty. I was planning to study for a master's degree abroad, but I am still hesitating now. Every time I think about it I just can’t decide: I always feel guilty and keeping asking myself what’s the right thing to do.
As I said, my two sisters and father stopped working, so I have to provide for the family. Right now, it feels like a burden. Before, they were all independent, but now I have to support all of them. It does impact our relationship: I feel like it is too much, and I don’t want to hear more problems, but then I feel remorse for feeling that way. I have lost connection with some friends in the process, I don’t talk to those who didn’t join the CDM or are still studying in the country, but I’m still in touch with other friends.
After a couple of months in Thailand, I felt stuck, as if I could not move anymore, and I wondered if I should go back to Myanmar. So I decided to join yoga classes, which has been a game changer. I also try to hang out with friends—I know now that I need a social life. I am also making some changes within my work to stay healthy. I am currently doing research projects on different subjects, such as transitional justice. I’ve also joined some alternative education platforms and support the teams and the processes. The aim is to build a future peaceful nation—at least that’s the theory. Sometimes I wonder if it will really have an impact.
Last night I was talking with my sisters. We were sharing our thoughts on the situation. Sometimes it all feels hopeless. Can we really make history and destroy the military? I know how much what we are going through will impact my life and how I will move forward. However, I also have moments where I feel hopeful: the movement is bigger than it ever has been in Myanmar’s history, and there is positive progress.
I have applied for an MA in Public Policy, but then I doubt myself again, wondering how I will be able to use this knowledge if the country remains like this, wondering if it’s worth building my skills and becoming a more resourceful person for future Myanmar. My feelings are uncertain about both myself and my country. There are other times when I wonder if I should go back and join the armed resistance or go ahead and study. How can I know if I’m betting on the right horse?!
I am a peacebuilder practitioner, but I no longer believe in the theory. The people we are fighting do not have a heart like normal humans. Using the theory, we would just watch and wait while people are killed. I am surviving in my normal life, far from the battleground, and people are being killed. In this world, nobody cares about us, even people from Myanmar who can escape. When I feel hopeless working with the theories, I feel like killing the military would be an immediate solution, though I am well aware of the cycle of violence.
I want to see a Myanmar where people can enjoy their lives. Any role I can take, I will take. I want Myanmar to be a federation with a free and fair governance system. Civil servants should serve the people. For example, even in Thailand, although it’s under military rule, the civil servants still assist the people. The Thai military is learning about democratic values. I wish to see a future in Myanmar where governance is finally at the service of the people."
These stories are collected by the Real Stories Not Tales team. Real Stories Not Tales is a dedicated team in and out of Myanmar that aims to bring awareness to the reality of people's lives since the Myanmar military staged a coup on February 1st, 2021. Stories are collected through interviews with each protagonist by the team, either in Burmese or in English. Each character is drawn by a professional illustrator. RSNT is an anonymous name that is used by the group to guarantee security to all parties involved in the collection of the stories.