Myanmar Journal: "Am I On Their List Tonight?

The following thread is being written by a vipassana meditator from the tradition of S.N. Goenka who is currently in Myanmar, who has played a pivotal role in the organization’s mission. For his safety, personal details have been obscured, but he has made it his desire that his observations be read by meditators everywhere.


If I were able to explain, where could I possibly even begin? My writing or even speaking about things cannot begin to describe what the reality is here on the ground and instead is nothing more than a superficial description. I cannot tell you in words alone what it’s like to have more than a dozen soldiers 10’ below our apartment firing guns, cursing us and for no other reason that to create havoc, throwing rocks through windows and trying to break into apartments. I cannot describe in words what it is like to have to crawl on hands and knees through our apartment to avoid being shot by a sniper. Or tell you about the fear of ‘the knock at the door’ at any time of day.  It all goes so much deeper than mere words.

Just this second is a perfect example. The walkie-talkie has just squawked and 200 yards from us people are being arrested for just walking down the sidewalk. And you are left to worry that they next will be heading here. Even more chilling is that the security leader of our ward security has just asked security personnel to check in and of the 75 to 100 security people in our Quarter only one has checked in. This is the more terrifying because communications have been severely limited with most internet being cut off and now the soldiers can get into our quarter almost at will. Yesterday, soldiers got to the deepest part of our quarter before security became aware of the incursion.

Tears come each and every day usually at the oddest of times. Just before setting down to write this I was washing up and the tears came. Then I realized that yesterday, I think for the first time since this all began, the tears didn’t come. That in itself is of great concern to me because it makes me wonder if I am starting to become desensitized to the horrific events we witness each and every day. Am I beginning to lose my humanity? Perhaps it sounds strange but when the tears come there is at first great sadness followed by the awareness of the warmth of the tears as they gather in my eyes and that bit of warmth helps to console me for some reason.

Need to stop again. Soldiers out on main road preparing to come into our quarter.

Hours later; another day of soldiers rampaging through our quarter although they did not come onto our street today. But, of course, they could very well show up tonight. Many more people arrested in our Quarter and some were pressed at gun point to remove barricades out on the main road which borders our Quarter.

I apologize; like most everyone else I find myself exhausted throughout much of the day making it difficult to get things done. I think that the adrenaline is running so frequently throughout the day that it just wipes one out when it starts to drain away. Under the present conditions every task just takes so much longer to complete. Of course, sleep is hard to come by and rather than a good night’s sleep the rest comes sporadically.

As I said at the outset of this, I just cannot come close to adequately explain what we are all going through. As a child, I often wondered why my father never, ever talked about his experience during WWII. I now know why. I don’t think I will ever be able to talk about any of this again.

I think what mostly keeps me going is the strength and the unbelievable courage of both the students and our Quarter security here. In most cases they face bullets, stun grenades, death and tear gas each and every day with little more than a stick, and grossly inadequate helmets. Each day as they walk past our apartment on their way to the demonstration site for that day I am just amazed and so, so grateful but you are always left wondering if and when they will return. The only stories I will ever tall after this is over will be of these people. They are what keeps me going each day and as for our Quarter security, I don’t think we would ever be able to sleep a wink without them.

Now 9 pm and the soldiers are coming again

….. gotta go

Midnight

Soldiers once again came into our Quarter (and others around us) at around 9 at night. Throwing stun grenades and firing weapons. It’s frightening because this is what they often do when they come to arrest people and I am not alone when I think; ‘Am I one of those on their list tonight?’ We spend most of our time sitting on the floor as the gunshots are always quite worrisome and they have not hesitated in the past to shoot into apartments. After spending time here, they then went out to the main road and started shooting towards the tops of electric poles. The belief is that they were shooting out the cctv cameras along the road but cannot confirm until daybreak. They than went further down the road to the to a place where they are billeted and it is believed that they were installing new cctv cameras but this also cannot be confirmed at this time.

As I finish this message the sun is not yet up but there is more than the usual amount of traffic. People getting into cars and driving off. Our Quarter, and I expect most, have become like a stop on the underground railroad. People have been forced to leave their jobs and now try to return to their home village (place of birth). Groups of people from the same area in the country pool their money and hire a car to take them back. They will stop here for a day or two and then continue on their way.