A Dhamma Joti experience
Myanmar has been a source and a refuge for foreign meditators for decades, and Luissa Burton is no exception. The international fashion model and actress described the confluence of forces that led her to coming to the Golden Land to sit her first course at Dhamma Joti, a vipassana center in the SN Goenka tradition, as well as her reasons for deciding to take a meditation course. In this excerpt, she describes her experiences going into the course. Take a listen to the full interview to hear more.
“There were times where I internally was screaming and wanted to literally run away, but I would sit as still as I possibly could.”
Host: So now you’re at Dhamm Joti, attending this vipassana course. It's so interesting to think about the contrast in your life circumstances, this unpredictable path taking shape for you. Like you're this international fashion model, but now you’ve left the industry at this point, but you still have tens of thousands of followers on social media. And you're now sitting alone in a hot meditation hall with over 100 Burmese yogis, which you referenced, and monks are sitting in front of you, and you're cut off from all media. Sometimes there could be a plan that seems more exotic or romantic or even doable in the planning stages. Then when it turns out, it’s different. So what I'm wondering is, once you were actually in that room and reality met expectation, what was that like for you?
Luissa Burton: The reality did hit me when I sat in the room at first where there was quite a number of people in the hall. And as obviously, your listeners would know this, it was split into male and female sides. And I just remember looking around thinking, ‘Whoa, this all happened so fast! How did I get here? What have I done?’
I remember I had to hand my phone and I thought, ‘What if I get sick? How can I contact anyone? Do people even know where I am?’
Actually, I quite enjoyed that part of handing my phone in, because always getting notifications and stuff. I was actually looking forward to seeing what it would be like not having a phone for 10 days, because I've never experienced that apart from before I knew what a phone was! So that was really cool. And then yeah, I just had this monk in front of me in the row in front. And I just remember seeing them in the robes and I just thought, wow, ‘I'm really here and I'm really doing this.’
Host: So undergoing any kind of arduous or intensive meditation retreat in a foreign country, it's different from doing one at home. So many parts of it are different, like the food, the culture, the language, the climate. I speak from experience because I also started meditating in Asia for years before I went into do a course in the West. For me, it was Japan, Thailand and Burma. Also I did one of my first courses and Dhamma Joti as well, and probably to this day, it still stands as the hardest course I've ever done! And in writing about your own experience, you commented, ‘In the first three days, I was extremely frustrated, as I sat in a room with 100 people who all seem to be naturally good at sitting like stones and breathing. Well, I could barely sit still or stop my mind from thinking. I would ask the teacher ‘Am I doing this right?’ And all I got back was, ‘Observe your respiration and continuity is key.’ I would go back to my pillow on the floor confused, not any wiser with my mind also screaming at me, ‘Why am I here?’ Well, I can definitely identify with that. What else do you remember about getting through that course?
Luissa Burton: Well, so it's similar to what we were talking about earlier with the idea of perfectionism. So that really helps me to let go of that perfectionism, which is a form of self-abuse. Once we were allowed to speak, I was thinking, ‘Hold on a minute, these people must have been doing this time and time again!’ I overheard one lady say this was her seventh time. As for me, I've barely meditated. So, by comparing myself to people that I have absolutely no idea how much they had done before, I was only causing pain within myself. So that was a lesson for sure.
It was just about trying and trying and trying again. There were times where I internally was screaming and wanted to literally run away, but I would sit as still as I possibly could. It was painful, and I'm someone who’s always constantly doing something. This was a big, different environment for me. But it was incredible, the lessons and the wisdom that I gained, I would absolutely, I would do it 100% again, and I think when I was doing it at the time, there was definitely moments where I was doubting myself thinking, ‘Why am I here? What am I doing?’