Facing Death: When there is no "Later"
This was a story that I had long known of— I remember the exact instant in time when Zach (then Bhikkhu Obhasa) had escaped with his life and called me as he had just reached Yangon. But this was the first time the tale has ever reached a wider audience, and Zach had to be sure he was ready to tell it. I’m glad he did, and there is just so much in here that the meditative listener can benefit from! Following is an excerpt of the moment when Zach was sure that death was imminent, and how his meditative training kicked in.
“With my life actually ending, and as stark and as clear as that probability was… I was okay with that.”
“The interesting thing about my response, it's a nice reflection about how good the practice is going. And this was really a moment of facing death, and one of the signs of that was that the mind started to... and this is usually taken for granted, that we're always just projecting into the future, even if it's just a minute or an hour, or there's just a few thoughts that just kind of come through our thought-stream about like, what I might have for dinner or what I'm going to do next.
And it just became vividly clear that there wasn't going to be 'a next.' I mean, there's going to be a next moment, but it was highly probable that we were going to die! And there wasn't going to be a ‘later evening.’
Just that thought alone, which is such a stark contrast to how that mind-flow usually goes. I didn't really realize how much the mind interjects little bits of future and kind of takes that for granted to keep this kind of storyline going.
Like, it was just so clear that this story was going to end... that time in a way was going to stop. It's interesting now in the Coronavirus, as sickness and death might be on people's minds more than it normally is. And I think as uncomfortable as that is, for a Buddhist it is a nice time to reflect, and at that time I had got to face death and then see how the mind responds to it.
And I was actually okay with it.
I was a little sad that my family wouldn't know what happened. I had a trip scheduled home within like a week or two. And I was just gonna disappear in the mountains and I'm sure they're going to dispose of my body in such a way that wouldn't be easy to find, and so how long would it take for the news to get out that I was even out there wandering, and let alone never came back, so it would take a while. My family wasn't going to know the story, and that can cause them some distress.
But for me, with my life actually ending, and as stark and as clear as that probability was… I was okay with that.
But I could see what I wasn't okay with is the pain I was going to have to go through to get to death, because you look at these guys with these big heavy bamboo bats and those things kind of caving my skull, which is not necessarily going to be a very pleasant feeling, and like, will I be able to be equanimous with that sudden contrast, in feeling normal to all of a sudden feeling intense pain as I'm being stabbed and beaten to death. They weren't going to just shoot me in the head and be done with it.”