One Man's Dream of Madness
Before the revolution, there was something of a taboo in Burmese society regarding self-expression and the introduction of sensitive or uncomfortable topics or subjects in a conversation. It was seen as unseemly, as violating the principles of ah nah ba deh. Yet as the Burmese people are now engaged in a life-or-death struggle against an ancient evil that seeks only death and destruction, the lid of this cultural taboo has completely come off, and truth in all its unadulterated— and uncomfortable— forms has continued to flow out. There is perhaps no better representation of this fact that the following testimonial, prepared by a government employee who refused to go to work as part of the Civil Disobedience Movement. She does not hold back in expressing the truth of her story and experience, and it profoundly informs the reader the deeper emotional implications of what it feels like to give everything up for freedom. She is just one of the hundreds of CDMers we have been able to support through your generous donations, and so we also wish to thank all donors who have supported the lives of brave individuals like this.
“I dream of a better life.
I believe that humanity evolves through history because of hope. We hope for a better life, a better society, a better lifestyle, and so on. Overall, this makes for a progressive improvement in human society. In my opinion, the hopes of one person are linked to many others in different ways.
For example, families support each other’s hopes. In my own case, I hoped to have a better education, and my father tried hard to help me fulfill my wish. I also hoped to be a beautiful girl, and my mother supported me. So our world is like a big family, in which all of our hopes are interrelated, and there is a cause and effect for our aspirations. I’ve learned that the world flourishes by those who dream of a better world, and suffers by those who dream of madness.
I live in the country of Burma, or to some Myanmar, yet also known as the Golden Land. The Burmese people suffered for about seventy years through a civil war, at the hands of a dictatorship, and from those who dreamt of selfishness. Then because Aung San Suu Kyi and others, we achieved ten years of democracy to make our dreams better.
I used to be a chief assistant engineer from the Ministry of Agriculture and Livestock. I had a simple dream: to marry a guy I love and to have a happy and peaceful family. I got what I wanted, too, and the happiest day of my life was when I learned that I was three months pregnant! My husband took such good care of me that I felt really lucky to have him. I came to have a new dream for my baby, even while I didn't know yet if it would be a son or daughter. But this dream lasted for just a few weeks. Because one day, my dear husband stopped attending to me and became very angry, even sometimes looking like a crazy man, muttering to himself, "That's unfair.....it’s madness.....how dare they do that...?!" It was the first of February, 2021, the day of the military coup.
At the beginning, I didn't understand the significance of the coup. I am a government worker and worked under two administrations, from 2011 to 2015 under U Thein Sein, and from 2016 to 2020 under Daw Aung San Su Kyi; I thought the coup was just a kind of governmental change like the others. I was stupid, because it is completely different. I came to realize that the military coup has led to a big disaster for all the people in the country.
Early on, many people went out on the streets for peaceful protests, and many government workers joined the CDM movement. I wondered if I should join the CDM as well. To be honest, I could not sleep for three days as I worried about what to do. I had a husband and was expecting a baby, so I could lose my job if I took that big step. In my country, it is quite hard to get a good education and even harder to get a degree in engineering or medicine. And it is hard, too, to get a decent job in a government office. Therefore, I was more than fortunate. So, whether to become a CDMer or not was a fraught decision for me! I asked my husband if I could join in the protests, but he didn't allow it because of my pregnancy; he did say, however, that my choosing to join the CDM eventually did make him proud. I kept asking, though, and finally he brought me with him to a protest but said I needed to stay with a nearby friend or monastery.
After a few weeks of peaceful protests, the military started to kill innocent, peaceful protesters, and tried to brutally crush the demonstrations. They tried many ways to stop the CDM movement, like kicking people out of government housing, stopping salary payments, and even threatening prison, and worse. I felt scared, but I didn't tell my husband because I didn't want to be the cause of an additional burden for him. He was already so troubled by the coup. And then a day came that I had been dreading…
My husband and his friends were at a protest when the military came to break it up. My husband and his friends had to run, and soldiers chased them. One of their friends was caught and another died in military custody. My husband needed to hide out for safety, and he told me to go to my parents’ village, and not remain with him. I felt really sad, but I could not refuse. I lost contact with him for about forty-five days, and cried every day during that time. He finally reconnected with me when he could safely use a phone, but speaking with him made me cry even harder. I pleaded with him to come back to me or else I would follow him, but he didn't allow it. By that time, my pregnancy was nearing full term, but I could not stay home either, because of the ministry kept calling me and threatening me to come back to work. I also heard some news that CDMers had been caught and had to either sign a letter denouncing the Civil Disobedience Movement, or else go to prison. Then my mother-in-law was detained by soldiers who asked her about the whereabouts of my husband and I, so I had to urgently hide out in another village.
My husband told me to arrange for a divorce. Since he was a fugitive, it might make my life safer to have proof of a legal separation. But that request just added to my suffering, and tears became my only true and constant companion. I hated the dictatorship, I hated my life, and even sometimes, if I have to be honest here, I hated my husband. However, I always had to think of delivering my child. Yet life was still not done with me. You might have heard this saying, "Bad luck come in twos." Well, I got infected with COVID a few days before the delivery of my son.
Now I am a mother, and you all know that there is no enemy that mothers cannot face for their children! When the day finally came for me to deliver my son into this unstable life, I was reminded of something my husband had said to me, that he would fight hard against the coup because he didn't want his son to be born under a dictatorship. Well, here I was, doing just that. I whispered, “Dear husband, you lost." I told my husband about the successful birth, and he cried, reiterating that he was trying his best to take down the dictatorship for the sake of our child. For me, my son become my only life.
I knew that I had to work for an income, but I had no idea how. Our life goes up and down now; I had gone pretty far down, so now I need to somehow go back up. When my son was about two months old, I was looking for a good quality baby carrier, but they are quite expensive. Eventually one of my Facebook friends sold me a good one for fair price, and that gave me an idea: I decided to sell used baby items on Facebook. I studied about online retail, and eventually sold my precious golden necklace for start-up money. But this venture had mixed results in the end. On the one hand, I’ve gotten a lot of items for my son, and on the other, I am in debt due to Internet costs, transportation fees, exchange rates and the scarcity of mothers in Myanmar who can still afford to buy things for their children. But I’ve come understand my husband more and more. Anyone who would like to work hard and honestly, and simply wants a better life, has no chance under the dictatorship. Yet some kinds of businesses do prosper, like clubs, bars, KTV (karaoke), gambling, prostitution... Well, that is a dictatorship.
Some of my work colleagues informed me that officers are planning to take an action cracking down on CDMers, yet my parents continue to push me to stay on CDM. The worst thing is that my mother-in-law was locked up for three days because they couldn't locate my husband! And even now the police are snooping around in my parents’ villages. So I called my husband to ask him to help us reunite with him, but he said to wait because there was fighting where he was, and that he needs to leave there, himself. Honestly, I thought my luck had completely dried up. But after a few weeks, my husband contacted me about meeting him at a secret place he’d arranged. I prepared everything and asked permission from my parents to go. At first, they said no, but when I explained the situation fully, they finally agreed.
I was fortunate that on the way the checkpoints were fairly easy to pass through because our son was just a six-month old baby. And I arrived at last where my husband was staying. It had been a year since we were last together! He looked darker, and older than his age. But it was a great reunion for our family. My husband planned for us to cross the border, and apply for refugee visa, because we had to finally admit that there was no safety, hope or future for our family in Myanmar. First, we were led in secret to Mae Sot by what in the US are called “coyotes”; that was one of the worst nightmares of my life! At midnight, we crossed the Thaunggin River and walked about one and half hours through the sugarcane fields, and over rocky ground, and we need to hide among the bushes if we saw any lights. Eventually, we were brought to a small, dirty village with small bamboo tent, and waited there for few hours for the car that would take us to Mae Sot. When it pulled up, the driver yelled at us to get in quickly. It was around five in the morning, and we must have looked like a group of bank robbers! Luckily, we finally arrived my husband's friend's house in Mae Sot.
I have no idea about the future. But I have my husband and my son, and so for now, it is perfect for me. We can deal with life’s struggles together as a strong family. There are a lot of families who have difficulties like us—some even more than us—because of military coup. This is because of one man’s dream of madness. I will always be with the CDM, and my husband will continue to participate in the revolution in different ways. The revolution must win!
Although I am leaving my country, I will never lose all hope. I believe the dictator will fail one day because I know well the brave people who resist, even if they have to sacrifice their lives for the revolution.”