Myanmar Journal: Dark Thoughts
The following thread is being written by a vipassana meditator from the tradition of S.N. Goenka who is currently in Myanmar, who has played a pivotal role in the organization’s mission. For his safety, personal details have been obscured, but he has made it his desire that his observations be read by meditators everywhere. Please note that we are able to ensure donations reach this person as well as the community he is supporting.
Today is one of those extremely painful days. A day where once again I just want to breakdown and weep but I must try and remain strong for those around me. But some days it is just not possible.
My day began as it always does with updates from those around me regarding events that have taken place overnight. This morning, the central theme is the torture of the thousands who are being held prisoner and in particular the physical and sexual abuse of young women. The most horrible abuse that you can imagine and maybe beyond what you can even imagine. It just tears my heart out. As I am receiving the update I just want to shout to please stop; shut up; please tell me no more. To provide the little bit of help that I do, I must listen to remain aware of what is happening but every cell in my body seems to want to scream out!!!!!!
And almost as painful is the fact that the world just watches or at the most, speak words that have no real meaning to those of us who suffer here each day. While I have come to the sad understanding of why little or nothing is done, I do not see a way that I can ever accept it.
For many years of my life I battled with severe depression and throughout those years there was one constant; I didn’t want to live anymore. I just wanted to kill myself. For years and from a very young age I sought many forms of treatment but conventional and non conventional. Nothing worked until I was introduced to the Teachings of the Buddha many years ago. It was only then that I was able to come out of my depression as well as the daily desire to take my own life.
Now, those thoughts come back to attack me but in a slightly different way. It’s not that I want to die but rather I just don’t want to live any longer in a world where it seems that it is so difficult for us to take care of one another as brothers and sisters of the world and to be clear I include myself. I do understand. We are led to believe that our respective governments will take care of situations such as that now happening here and elsewhere in the world but we cannot ignore history. Typically, and almost always for financial or strategic gains, many governments just do nothing if there is no gain for them or that just make a bigger mess of thing oftentimes by instigating wars.
We the people need to stand up and help our brothers and sisters of the world and we can no longer stand back and do nothing thinking that our governments will work it out. But then I come back to the reality of it all and know that I am just dreaming. But I will never give up on my dreams.
What little I can do to help the people here I will continue to do.