Myanmar Journal: A Physical, Emotional, Mental, and Spiritual Toll
The following thread is being written by a vipassana meditator from the tradition of S.N. Goenka who is currently in Myanmar, who has played a pivotal role in the organization’s mission. For his safety, personal details have been obscured, but he has made it his desire that his observations be read by meditators everywhere. Please note that we are now able to ensure donations reach this person as well as the community he is supporting.
I am often asked how I am holding up under the current circumstances and mostly I tend to deflect the question or laugh it off because really, I just don’t know how to answer. I will attempt to do so now but please understand that while I will answer for myself, all or at least parts of my answer are shared by millions of others here.
Succinctly, I am in great distress. There is no other way of saying it. I am wholly unequipped to deal with what we must face each and every day. My physical condition is quite poor. My knees are shot as well as my hips. My back is perpetually in pain. I have probably lost 20 lbs and my head constantly feels as if it is filled with nothing more than the thickest of syrup. I have easily aged 15 years. But I accept this and do so with gratitude. I willingly accept this because I am surely one of the lucky ones. I have not yet been beaten to death by ruthless monsters. I have not been tortured as thousands of others have. I have not been wounded by an RPG and while wounded had my body thrown in a fire and burned to death. I have not yet been lynched. I have not been wounded trying to protect my neighbors and then at point blank range shot 3 more times in the head. I am actually grateful for every bit of physical pain I experience because it serves as a constant reminder of how so many others have and continue to suffer so much worse than I. I am, no doubt, one of the more fortunate ones.
I am also forever exhausted with little or no energy. For those who know me, you also know that I have always been a hard worker regardless of the task I am working on. For me, it is not at all unusual to work 16 hours a day 7 days a week. I have never required much sleep, and it was always rare for me to sleep more than 4 or 5 hours. All of that has now changed. Each day I have to push myself just to get out of bed. And once I have done so it feels as though I never slept. One hour later I am ready to go back to bed. This may be in part due to the fact that under present circumstances my sleep is more like that of a dog; asleep but always extremely alert, and never a deep sleep. Maybe that is why dogs tend to sleep so much more than we humans. In the current climate you never know when 30 or 40 soldiers will show up in front of your home firing rifles and throwing out stun grenades. With so many house arrests going on around us night and day you never know if you are next on their list. You never know when sniper rounds will suddenly go screaming just feet in front of you. For safety you must always remain in a high state of alertness, even while sleeping.
As for my emotional state, I can only explain it as existing in a state of what I suppose is perpetual shell shock or perhaps even PTSD. It is not at all unusual for me to stare into space for two hours getting lost in thoughts concerning what I can do and of those hundreds of things what I should do next. Painfully the same record plays over and over in my mind. And then I berate myself for wasting precious time.
A few nights ago I was out on my balcony when I noticed one of my neighbors, well after curfew, walking back and forth on the road below me. We all know that this is an extremely dangerous thing to do because you could easily be shot for doing so. As he is walking in circles, I can see him swinging his arms back and forth as he is talking to himself. Clearly, he is in great distress and with soldiers just 70 yards away in a very dangerous situation. I try calling out to him but either he doesn’t here me or he is just not able to respond. My heart is breaking as I watch helplessly. We call a neighbor who comes to his balcony and he also tries to get the man’s attention but to no avail. I finally decide to go out and grab him but others will not permit me to do so. Instead, we decide to watch and see if the soldiers will come and if they do we will start beating on pots and pans to momentarily distract them while someone goes out to pull the man off the street. After standing vigil for 5 or 10 minutes and to our great relief he finally gets out of the road and goes inside. This is just one of the many ways in which the constant and unrelenting stress plays itself out.
And then there is the most dominant and paralyzing of all emotions; fear which not infrequently morphs into terror. My greatest worry is for the safety of those around me. It seems I am in a constant state of fear that news will arrive that a loved one has been arrested. shot or snatched off the street or who’s home has been invaded. I HATE to hear the phone ring and go completely tense when it does because it seems that it is always ‘sadness’ on the other end.
And then there is the fear of walking on the road, the knock at the door, the planning and fear in an attempt to help another, the fear of falling asleep before soldiers and police have left the area, the fear of getting up out of my chair on our balcony at night and having a bullet slam into my back, the fear of opening the window shutter at the rear of our apartment only to be shot by soldiers in back as if by opening the shutter I somehow defied the 8 pm curfew, and the list goes on and on.
And then there is the constant feeling of helplessness especially when writing something like the above. It seems I always end up at the same place. It just doesn’t seem possible by words alone to convey what is really taking place here. I think that unless you have lived through this day after day, week after week and month after month it just is not possible to understand. I close in deep despair knowing that once again I have failed the millions here but I also know that tomorrow I will force myself to try again.