Ordaining under Sayadaw U Tejaniya
David Sudar, an American former monk, reflects on his time with Sayadaw U Tejaniya and how he has been able to apply his teachings in daily since since studying under him.
I spent roughly two years in Myanmar (2014/2015), primarily in robes under the guidance of Sayadaw U Tejaniya. Although I had been meditating for many years previously and was already practicing in his style before arriving there, I was very much a novice until I really dove into practice directly with Sayadaw. I spent about half the overall time in close contact with him at Shwe Oo Min & Dhamma Vibhajja, about seven months doing solitary practice at his private kuti a few hours from Yangon, and the rest of the time spread across a few other places. I spent nearly the entire period engaged in formal, intensive meditation practice — around 14-16 hours a day.
The impact/transformation of that period was remarkable in a very profound way, such that it's actually a little hard now for me to relate to "who I was" before that time, as "who I am" ever since has felt so much different. Previously, my baseline state of being revolved entirely around my thoughts. Nowadays, it feels like the meditative state that Sayadaw U Tejaniya calls “awareness+wisdom” is more of my baseline. Of course, not that I’m always mindful; I still definitely get caught in the sense of self, as well as various forms of craving and aversion, but it’s pretty easy for me to not get too lost in them, remain non-reactive, release the thoughts, and act with more intentionality.
Plus, the dhamma just makes so much sense to me now at a fundamental level of being! It is the only thing that truly stirs me anymore; I guess that's a way of saying that my saddhā [conviction, or faith] has become pretty unshakeable.
As for some of the other things I learned during that time that have continued to impact my daily life:
I learned how to feel at home inside myself. A big part of this came through the gradual unfolding of meditative insight over many months; more specifically, as awareness stabilized, I was able to deeply internalize anattā [the insight into not-self]. Then the ups and downs of life started to feel less like “my life is chaotic,” and more like, “chaos is happening.” This perspective shift was huge.
But perhaps an even bigger contribution to my ability to “feel at home inside myself” was U Tejaniya's emphasis on right attitude. Actually, in my own ongoing practice, as well as in my teaching, this is probably what leads the way—trying to greet everything not only with mindfulness, as I noted above, but also patience, equanimity, and curiosity [dhamma-vicaya]. Sayadaw helped me see that the practice isn't to avoid, bypass or even transcend our difficulties, but rather to directly engage with them, beneath the thoughts, and just with the actual experience. In that vein, especially nowadays during the pandemic, with all its attendant stress, I find that simply helping people develop “right attitude” towards their stress & suffering is one of the most powerful meditative tools.
I often say that I learned how to love myself during that time. Besides the inner transformation I’ve already described, I was also specifically influenced in this by Sayadaw's encouragement to ask "why?" when faced with the torments of mind [kilesas]. In asking myself why certain mental impurities were arising, I was able to uncover subtle views underlying patterns of self-hatred, such as “I’m not good enough” or “I don’t matter.” Once I was able to see them, they lost their hold on me, and the self-hatred dropped away. Even though I wasn’t doing any formal loving-kindness or compassion practices, that was exactly what I started to feel towards myself. In turn, I began to understand why Sayadaw taught that loving-kindness and compassion are the byproduct of wisdom. Since that time, I have found it useful to work more directly with those practices; however, that experience gave me insight into how the brahma viharas [the sublime emotions] mesh together, and how the different factors of the path strengthen and deepen each other.
I could go on and on, but maybe one final thing I'll mention refers to an indirect teaching I received from Sayadaw over the course of my time in Myanmar, but particularly during one three month Rains Retreat, when I shared meals with him nearly every day. Simply put, I began to see what an authentic person he is. He didn’t put on any airs, didn't try to hide his flaws, and seemed to me to have a lot of self-honesty. I think his sacca [truthfulness] parami is very strong. By the same token, wisdom also flowed very genuinely from him, so I could see the whole spectrum, as it were. His authenticity led me to trust him very deeply, and also provided a blueprint for how "living dhamma" can still feel “human.” Something I aspire to nowadays, especially in my teaching role, is to emulate that. How can I be human, not pretend like I'm something I'm not, and also be very solid and open with the wisdom I have developed? Similar to how Sayadaw’s embodiment of this trait helped me settle more fully into the dhamma, I see this same impact with my students nowadays: when I'm willing to be open and genuine with them, and show how the dhamma comes alive (or doesn't!) in my own life, they trust more in the practice and process.
I currently reside in Portland, Oregon in the United States, and here as much as in Myanmar, I find the dhamma deeply inspiring! I send a great thank you to my teacher, Sayadaw U Tejaniya, as well as to the historical Buddha, and to all the other teachers, practitioners and students that have helped me deepen my practice, and step into sharing it with others in a meaningful way.
If have any questions or would like to get in contact, you can find me on my webhome.